


Not a Priority

by Waywardwiz



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Abandonment, BUT NOT THIS TIME, Hurt, I know the tag usually reads 'hurt and comfort' or something, M/M, Unrequited Love, and then no comfort, next time I'm gonna write sexy stuff instead, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 22:33:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9463166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waywardwiz/pseuds/Waywardwiz
Summary: "Ted is Barney’s best friend, but Barney isn’t Ted’s. Marshall is. Barney doesn’t know why he keeps putting himself through this – why he keeps setting himself up for “Marshall’s my best friend”/”I’m his best friend”. He has grown so tired of that beast made of jealousy and sadness and loneliness living inside his stomach rearing its’ ugly head. Perhaps he just cannot let go of the hope that one day Ted will look at him with that wide smile and bright eyes and say, “yes you are”. "Okay so this is super sad. There is no happiness to be found. At all. It's Barney pov and rather short, mostly because I became too sad to continue. it's just really terribly depressing. Enjoy.





	

Barney has never been first priority to anyone. He knows that to be a fact.

His father left. He hadn’t wanted the little boy who looked at him with such admiration. Jerome replaced him with a new little suburban family, with fishing trips and a basket hoop in the driveway. Then one day Barney finally got his chance to tell Jerome that he had been hurt, that his pain wasn’t something that just went away. But it was a hollow victory that didn’t feel good at all. The memories of awkward parent-teacher meetings where only his mom showed up (a chair had never seemed emptier), of lonesome nights of crying into his pillow, of hearing grand tales of what his classmates had done with their dads over the weekend, stung. And the stinging sensation didn’t lessen as he grew older. It got worse. He loves his mom. She had always tried her best to be enough for her boys. James and Barney never wanted for anything. But still Barney (8-years old Barney, 15-years old Barney, 24-years old Barney, 30-years old Barney), on those days where his head won’t be quiet and where he cannot convince himself to stop being sad and be awesome instead, often finds himself wondering; _Why didn’t he want me?_

He had adored Shannon. She was his first love and their relationship had been such a tender thing. He wonders, sometimes, what would have become of his life if she had stayed. If she hadn’t met Greg, hadn’t fallen in love, hadn’t been so careless. Shannon had cut him open, pulled out his beating heart – his vulnerable, soft, loving heart (he had loved so easily back then) – and crushed it to pieces with every scathing remark and hurtful word. She had laughed at him when he had poured himself out to her (“What about us changing the world together? Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten. I know I haven’t”). She made him what he is today. The bad things he does, the way he treats women, of course isn’t her fault – of course it isn’t, he is an adult, he makes his own choices. But she planted the seed of bitterness and self-doubt he has been nourishing on and off ever since. And coffee shop Barney asked himself – Legendary-Barney asks himself – _Why wasn’t I good enough?_

Ted is Barney’s best friend, but Barney isn’t Ted’s. Marshall is. Barney doesn’t know why he keeps putting himself through this – why he keeps setting himself up for “Marshall’s my best friend”/”I’m his best friend”. He has grown so tired of that beast made of jealousy and sadness and loneliness living inside his stomach rearing its’ ugly head. Perhaps he just cannot let go of the hope that one day Ted will look at him with that wide smile and bright eyes and say, “yes you are”.

But Ted won’t and Barney gets why. He knows that he can be reckless with other people and that he doesn’t think his actions through and that he jokes about things that are definitely not a joking matter. Ted once called him emotionally inept and that had felt like a slap to the face because he is _trying_ , he really is. Trying to be better, to not make his friends grow tired of him and his antiques. The thing is, he has always tried to steer clear of Ted. Ted is the limit, always has been, always will be. And whenever he manages to ruin things between them anyway he always apologizes. Because he could not stand not to have Ted in his life. Because Ted is his best friend, even if he isn’t Ted’s. Because Ted is his most important person and because he has never had a better wingman. Because when Ted smiles at him and praises him and wants to spend time with him just the two of them - without any of their friends, when he sometimes chooses his company instead of Marshall’s - Barney’s heart soars and is stitched back together if just for a little while.

That’s why he suffers through the endless let-downs that have followed him throughout his entire life. Because sometimes, amidst the eye rolls and “yes, we know how it’s hard to be friends with you”, Ted looks at Barney, really _looks_ and sees what is behind. Sees the Barney who isn’t just a goof, a flirt, someone childish and too much. Sees the vulnerable and soft Barney who makes Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixer when someone has got a bad hangover, who flew to San Francisco to make Lily come home and who just wants those he cares about to be happy and safe. And those rare, unguarded moments when Ted sees Barney for what he is beneath all the trivial stuff, are what hurts the most. Those moments when he lets himself be fooled into thinking that Ted could want him the same way he wants Ted. And it’s dangerous because it’s a hurt that is mixed with a stubborn, resilient hope that one they it can happen (he can be _happy_ ), which makes it hard to just let go. He needs that hope because otherwise what’s the point. And so he keeps on messing things up and saving the day, often simultaneously; keeps making Ted seethe with frustration and laugh with abandon; everything is extremities with Barney.

There are high points and there are low points but no in-betweens. And when he is at his low points, the lowest of the low, and Ted (or Marshall, Ted’s _best_ friend) has made a jab at him that made the others laugh but which sharp edges cut straight into Barney’s gut, he lies awake. There are many sleepless nights, and he dedicates each one to a different person. Some to his classmates from school, those cruel children who bullied a defenseless kid for not knowing his father. Some to Jerome who left him and came back brandishing apologies and excuses when it was already too late. Some to Shannon who wrecked him and made a fool of him and caused the sun to shine just a little less bright than it did before. But most of them are devoted to Ted. Ted who believes in faith and is kind and romantic, who loves so freely and so quickly but also resents and judges with a sharp fervor. Ted who Barney is in love with and who is the unknowing recipient of his earnest questions, whispered hoarsely into the darkness of a lonely apartment,  
_Why won’t he pick me?_  
_Why won't he see me?_  
_Why won’t he love me?_  
And no one answers. They never do. He is used to that by now.


End file.
